If you read my post from a few weeks ago, you know that I have been on a bit of a roller coaster. You also know that I am sharing my experience because the subject matter is hard to talk about. Women go through miscarriage and infertility on a regular basis and very few talk about it. The thing is…part of the healing process, for some – not all, is talking about it.
On May 19th, I found out I was pregnant. I was completely surprised and somewhat distraught.
I was sent for blood work. The blood work looked good. I started to accept what was happening and began to embrace it. I started looking at babies and expectant mothers differently. I started to love this idea of a baby. Was it going to be hard? Yup. Am I old? Sure am. Will we get through it? You bet!
We went on vacation. I came back and went to my first OB appointment. I was excited but apprehensive. I have old eggs ya’ll! They are probably dusty too. With cob webs.
I went through the whole new patient thing and the possible high risk thing….ugh! And then we got down to the sonogram. I have a “very anteverted uterus”. Though I felt like the doc was going to split me in two, it didn’t matter. The end result was going to be worth a little discomfort. And then the doc said, “I only see a gestational sac.” And my heart skipped a beat. And then she said, “You might have a blighted ovum.” In doctor speak, it means that there was the beginnings of a baby with a sperm and an egg. There was a meandering trip to my uterus, where the pair started to make some placenta like cells, and then for some unknown reason, they decided the trip was long enough and pooped out.
Definitely not the news I wanted to hear.
The Doc went on about the why’s and the scenario’s but said that not to lose all hope. She ordered more blood work and another sonogram. Two weeks to stress out and worry. After all, I am the girl who will Google for self-diagnosis and thanks to this pregnancy, is currently off of anxiety meds. I listen to the doc, but she sounded more like Charlie Browns teacher and all I heard was, “Whomp whomp whomp whomp waaaaa.”
After two weeks of horrible sleep, squashing down my hopes and dreams, finding a little hope in an article about blighted ovum’s and tilted uterus’, and deciding that being realistic was the way to go….I was off to my sonogram at Seton Imaging. I told the tech my story. She was incredibly nice. And after having to empty my bladder twice, I said, ‘I guess that means that you don’t see anything, huh?” And she replied,”Oh no! I see a gestational sac AND a yolk sac!” I started to get tearful and couldn’t believe my ears. She cautioned me that is was early but she saw growth as well. She measured me 6 weeks and 4 days with the standard week of error. But that is ok, right? My eggs are old and dusty and maybe I ovulated late! DorrisWedding how to get suitable items for wedding if the brides is busty
Notice we are going up the roller coaster here…
The doc calls me on Wednesday and wants a repeat sono in a week. The office scheduled me incorrectly and put me down for two weeks. I could live with that. It gave this bean two more weeks to cook up a heart beat! (Insert a cautious yay here!)
I began to start giving babies a second look. I began to lovingly look at baby clothes and diapers and all the pretty and good smelling things. I had this scary thing called hope. Hope is never scarier to a woman in this position or that of infertility. Because our hope is fragile. And we know deep down in our hearts that sometimes biology overtakes our hope…it is factual and relies on good code vs. bad code, environment, acidity, hormones and things we cant see, hear, or feel.
Saturday night I had a little spot after using the bathroom. Nothing to be concerned about. I know that spotting in the first trimester isn’t abnormal. It is actually fairly common.
Sunday was normal.
Monday I had spotting again. A little more than before but nothing alarming.
Monday evening it was bright red. Still nothing more than a streak on toilet paper, but this time there were small clots. I called the doc and the nurse told me to be on pelvic rest.
A friend of mine recently said to listen to your gut. It is usually spot on. It was that reminder that made me demand to be seen today. My gut knew what my heart didn’t want to accept.
The office fit me into the docs schedule and she said she didn’t see a yolk sac and the internal exam showed old and new blood and “particulates”. She said that she would send me out for a repeat sonogram. We discussed what would happen if the confirmation came. Proceed and let nature take its course, take a medication to get things moving along, or have an operation to have it done at once. Frankly, they all could have complications. But I felt natural was best.
It was almost like my body and mind needed that confirmation to ‘let it go’. And so my body decided to do the right thing and started to let it go.
I am terribly sad. I am angry. I have been snotty crying. I have been having strangely peaceful moments. I am fairly certain it is because I am nearing the end of this 8 week roller coaster. And then I start having all the feelings all over, in no particular order. I imagine that I will have a lot of feelings over the next few weeks while my body tries hard to regulate itself.
Things people need to know when responding to such things:
1. Do not tell someone that it was meant to be or it was God’s plan. People in my position want to punch you in the face. Our brains know the reality of this statement. However, our hearts are too fragile to hear it. It makes us feel worse.
2. Do not say to just try again! Because sometimes to try to get pregnant costs a fortune. Sometimes a person’s body can’t take it. And sometimes a heart can’t either. And in my case, I am older. Though I would love another baby, I am not certain that there is time. And both spouses need to be on the same page with major life decisions. There is a huge difference between a surprise and making a life choice.
3. Do understand that we HAVE to go through the grieving process. And it isn’t pretty. We have lost a child. We lost an idea of this little person that we came to love and have dreams for their bright futures. Not everyone’s process is the same. Mine is writing and educating. Someone else’s is going to be very different.
4. Do offer to listen. Know that your friend is a hormonal hot mess and will likely seem somewhat possessed with the changing of emotions within seconds, minutes, and hours.
5. Do understand that our loss might make your budding life and excitement of becoming a parent grandparent might be bittersweet. But trust me when I tell you that it is MUCH more sweet than bitter. Most of us will be excited for you. Don’t be surprised if we become emotional. It happens.

I appreciate anyone that has gotten this far. I have a lot of things to think about. I know that great losses can lead to wonderful things and that perhaps there is a silver lining to find. It might take some time to find it. But us Davis’ are great at turning the sad and scary into funny and self-deprecating.

I especially want to thank just a few people who have been utterly amazing to me these last few weeks.
Vanessa , thank you for being my friend. I’m not sure what I would do without your friendship over the last 20+ years. And thank you for sharing your puppy love with me. It did my heart good.
Gwen, I’m not sure what I did to deserve your friendship. God smiled on me that day. I thank you for always being there, for making me laugh when all seems hopeless, and bringing me food when you know I won’t eat otherwise. Thank you for loving me even when I am snotty. And thank you for the much needed hugs when you are not always the huggiest of people. Drastic measures and all…..
Kathy, I’m not sure when Diana Gabaldon wrote Outlander, that she ever could have known that she would be responsible for so many friendships. I am so glad that we found each other and bonded so quickly. Thank you for all of the welfare checks. Thank you for the bon fires. Thank you for the hugs. And thank you for the puppy love. I never thought that because this lady wrote a book, I would have found such a dear friend.
Erin, thank you for all of your kind words, facebook messages, pretty iris pictures, puppy pictures, and the particularly wonderful Tae Kwon Do pictures. Good luck with that Black Belt! I am rooting for you!
Debbie, once again, I have Diana Gabaldon to thank for our friendship. I am so appreciative of all the great hugs, phone calls, and facebook messages. It is always a pleasure to hear the smile in your voice and the caring and positive perspective you have given me.
Patti, thank you for putting up with my husband and # GrossBoys . And thank you for the unexpected flowers. They were lovely and they brightened my day like no other.
My sisters (Krissie, Kelly , Ashley, and Sean) and brother have been very supportive. They have made all of the inappropriate jokes and let me cry when I needed too.
Tamara , Kathy , thank you for the texts, love, and offers to listen.
Edited to add a paragraph that was left out when I cut and pasted:
Colleen , thank you so much for the calls and texts. For your invaluable knowledge of working for an OB/GYN for many years. For demanding that I demand answers. For being my ADD sister. And for always "knowing what I'm talking about. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through all of this without you. ????
And thank you dear reader, for getting through to the end! Thank you for letting me express myself and allowing me to educate my friends. I truly hope that it makes a difference in your life or someone you know or love. And if you are in my position or ever have been, I will always be a listening ear.

Love to all!

P.S. Still accepting puppies, puppy kisses, puppy pictures, or puppy love. Will not accept puppy farts.

# Pregnancy # BlightedOvum # OldDustyEggs # TiltedUterus # Miscarriage # Sad # Friendship # Outlander # DianaGabaldon