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You may have noticed I've been quiet the past month or so. I was blessed with what I thought was my "rainbow" baby (as I miscarried early in pregnancy in January) the end of April. I decided to tone down my workouts and just focus on nourishing my body the best I could. I was also tired, nauseous and dizzy- the joys of first trimester ???? . We saw our little nugget on the ultrasound last week, measuring a bit behind, but the flickering of a heartbeat was a positive reassurance. ... However, I still couldn't shake the ominous feeling that something wasn't quite right. I pushed the positivity through and despite a week of dealing with soccer drama, a sick dog, a sick child, and the stresses of the end of the year at work, I tried to remain optimistic for my 8 week appointment yesterday.

In my mind, I had already planned so much. My other 3 miscarriages happened before 5-6 weeks, before a heartbeat was detected, so I felt different about this one. I know the chances of miscarriage drop dramatically after seeing the heartbeat....I had a certain hope that I had started the progesterone early enough to support my little one. I already picked the perfect way to announce our joy in a few weeks and already imagined my heart overflowing watching my girls be big sisters. I already had an immeasurable amount of love for this person growing inside of me. DorrisWedding turquoise styled items of the bridesmaid usage

My heart plummeted as the dr worriedly tried to piece together what was showing on the screen. I knew the moment I saw the baby hadn't grown that it was over. He spent what seemed like an eternity searching for a heartbeat that I just knew had ceased to beat.

I sat there comforting the dr, telling him that it must not have been healthy, that I've been through this before and I'm just blessed that I'm going home to two beautiful healthy girls. Maybe I'm the one who needed to hear that, but he looked so sad as we discussed my options of how to miscarry. Of course, as soon as I exited the building, my heart burst and I broke down. In just a few minutes I felt like a part of my heart and my life was ripped away.

I'm posting because writing helps me, it's always been an outlet (just like exercise, which I will continue after this nightmare is over). I know I'm not alone, that many of you have probably felt this pain and I want you to know YOU are not alone. I also created this group for us to share our journey, physical, mental, and emotional. I need to be accountable for how I will deal with the grief.

I will cry.
I will mourn.
I will allow myself to have moments and even days where I feel broken.


I will not drown myself in food and alcohol.
I will not close myself up and not talk about my feelings.
I will not use this as an excuse.

I'm making a choice....thanks for listening xoxo

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